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Week 6 Story Lab: Biography


Personal image of my brother Jackson, me, and my boyfriend, Jake. (In order left to right)

Hot Sauce

when I was eight years old, I created new daily plot to kill my four-year-old sister
I locked her outside in the “too scary” dark
I rolled her down the driveway in my “too big” rollerblades
I left her hanging at the mercy of the “too tall” monkey bars
I always knew my little sister was different,
shit, for a solid month of her four-year-old life the only word she would utter was “hot sauce”
thus, earning her the appropriate nickname
Hot Sauce

it was not until eighth grade that I realized just how “weird” that kid was
acting out in class, being sent home from school, never felt herself
my senior year of high school, Hot Sauces’ freshman year
we had a class together, physical science
I noticed that the name “Jackson” made a reoccurring appearance across her notebooks
The name scrawled in loving calligraphy obsessively across her lab journal
she must have had a crush
who is Jackson?”
I shouted at the top of my lungs, in perfect embarrassing big sister fashion
no one”
“just a pretty name”

a few short months later, a confession arose in the cosmetics section at Walmart
I need to tell you something…”
“I don’t feel that I am a girl…”
“this body does not feel like mine…”
those words hit me like a water balloon that wasn’t filled quite enough
rather than bursting it slaps the skin, falls to ground
in that moment I realized Jackson was a crush, sort of
someone untouchable, unobtainable, someone that Hot Sauce has longed for
I knew that when my brother said that Jackson was “no one”
he was right, this world made “Jackson” no one

I have been an ally as long as I could remember
but no amount of ally training prepared me for a transgender brother
how do I let him fight his own battles while looking out for him?
how do I advocate without infantilizing?
how do I sleep at night when I know that nearly half of all transgender teens will attempt suicide at some point in their life?
how do I protect him from the family member who tells him that he would be much prettier if he grew his hair out, if he quit wearing such boyish clothes?
how do I stop the bigots?
How do I stop my manager who I overheard say “oh, Mikayla has a shim for a sister”
how am I supposed to stop my little brother from hating his body more and more every day?
how do I stop the symptoms of female puberty?
what do I do when my brother has to change his pronouns around certain groups, certain family members for his own safety?

It’s been four years since my brother came out as transgender
and every gift addressed to a dead name is a fresh whip across his scarred back
at home, we still call him Hot Sauce
every time there is a substitute at school, the roll call still sounds like a car crash in slow motion
every “excuse me, miss” is the dodgeball in gym class that keeps finding its way to him
although I have made my mistakes
and admittedly at times been a bad ally
I have been fighting for my brother every day for the last four years
when we were kids, I plotted everyday to kill my little sister
but today

I am doing everything in my power to keep my brother alive

Authors Note:
       When I think about the bravest and most interesting person, I think about my brother, Jackson. He came out as Transgender his freshman year of high school, and seeing how he has grown from his journey is absolutely amazing, and I am so glad I got the chance to be there for it. I wrote this narrative style poem last semester, and I decided that I wanted a place to showcase it. I am unsure if this is technically within the rules, but I figured that this piece needed to be shown off, for Jackson's sake. I wish that I had more to say about this piece, but I hope that it just speaks for itself. Enjoy!

Comments

  1. Hi Mikayla.

    This is beautiful. I can't begin to imagine what your brother has gone through, but I am so happy that he has you as a supporter. He is strong and the days that he can't be, I know you will be for him. I am an ally as well and feel what you said about struggling to help those close to us. My mother came out my freshman year of high school, and happily married her wife my sophomore year. It was a struggle navigating things at first, but you find your place. It is scary to know someone you love could face torment and struggle, but the best thing we can do is love them and share their story with those who will listen. This was a great piece, thanks for posting.

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  2. Hey Mikayla,

    This was awesome. I loved it. Seriously. I loved the beginning. I love that it started out as something I thought might be funny. I love even more that it morphed into something completely different and unexpected. I love that you're fighting for your brother, he'll need a saving grace and it sounds like you're the perfect person to help him out. This story really touched me. Good luck to both of you, y'all are amazing.
    -Tricia

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  3. Hi Mikayla!

    Wow, this was really powerful. I love when we are able to find ways to immortalize our own lives/experiences in words. Not everyone is able to do it the way you did though. It really felt as though the words, the lines, were jumping out at me, demanding to be heard. Really, really good work. I'm so glad to know that your brother has you as an ally and a defender.

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  4. Hey Mikayla!
    First, I want to thank you and Jackson for sharing this poem. It is deeply personal and I commend you for sharing it with all of us. I love the flow of your narrative style poem, I am not sure what I was anticipating, but I was not expecting the poem to go in the way it did. I like that you acknowledged the struggles Jackson went through that usually are chalked up to "typical teenage" stuff such as getting in trouble in class, being sent home, etc. When we are younger, it is so easy to look at the kids "acting out" as bad kids when most of the time they are struggling with things that we can not see. Jackson is so lucky to have a big sister like you looking out for him but at the same time acknowledging that it is easy to over step and you are aware of it. You did such a good job at writing this in a way that sparks emotion. Good luck to both of you, you two seem awesome.

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